Remembering Pulse

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My office had a formal review of emergency protocol this week, including instructions for how to act if you encounter an active shooter. As the discussion took place on the second anniversary of THE PULSE MASSACRE, the exact relevance hit me hard. Tough moments, like that day, often get tucked away into the back of my heart. I am writing this post to process my own emotions & recollections, in addition to taking time to actually reflect on how the LGBTQ+ community evolves in the aftermath.

The above photo is from June 13, 2016 – one day after the shooting. The gentleman who took this picture overlaid the image with what we were looking at – the front of The Stonewall Inn, where the bold “STOP HATE” sign stood above the flowers laid humbly in respect for our brothers & sisters that were slain.

It feels surreal to look at it, as it feels like a long period of time that has passed in a few short moments. Before I continue, I must pause to recognize that this remembrance is about what happened at Pulse, but it is more so about the people at Pulse. There were forty-nine people shot to death in Orlando, Florida on that horrific night. Many were people of color. All were people who deserved to live a full, vibrant life.

These are their names:

1. Stanley Almodovar III, 23 years old
2. Amanda L. Alvear, 25 years old
3. Oscar A. Aracena Montero, 26 years old
4. Rodolfo Ayala Ayala, 33 years old
5. Antonio Davon Brown, 29 years old
6. Darryl Roman Burt II, 29 years old
7. Angel Candelario-Padro, 28 years old
8. Juan Chavez Martinez, 25 years old
9. Luis Daniel Conde, 39 years old
10. Cory James Connell, 21 years old
11. Tevin Eugene Crosby, 25 years old
12. Deonka Deidra Drayton, 32 years old
13. Simón Adrian Carrillo Fernández, 31 years old
14. Leroy Valentin Fernandez, 25 years old
15. Mercedez Marisol Flores, 26 years old
16. Peter Ommy Gonzalez Cruz, 22 years old
17. Juan Ramon Guerrero, 22 years old
18. Paul Terrell Henry, 41 years old
19. Frank Hernandez, 27 years old
20. Miguel Angel Honorato, 30 years old
21. Javier Jorge Reyes, 40 years old
22. Jason Benjamin Josaphat, 19 years old
23. Eddie Jamoldroy Justice, 30 years old
24. Anthony Luis Laureano Disla, 25 years old
25. Christopher Andrew Leinonen, 32 years old
26. Alejandro Barrios Martinez, 21 years old
27. Brenda Marquez McCool, 49 years old
28. Gilberto R. Silva Menendez, 25 years old
29. Kimberly Jean Morris, 37 years old
30. Akyra Monet Murray, 18 years old
31. Luis Omar Ocasio Capo, 20 years old
32. Geraldo A. Ortiz Jimenez, 25 years old
33. Eric Ivan Ortiz-Rivera, 36 years old
34. Joel Rayon Paniagua, 32 years old
35. Jean Carlos Mendez Perez, 35 years old
36. Enrique L. Rios, Jr., 25 years old
37. Jean Carlos Nieves Rodríguez, 27 years old
38. Xavier Emmanuel Serrano-Rosado, 35 years old
39. Christopher Joseph Sanfeliz, 24 years old
40. Yilmary Rodríguez Solivan, 24 years old
41. Edward Sotomayor Jr., 34 years old
42. Shane Evan Tomlinson, 33 years old
43. Martin Benitez Torres, 33 years old
44. Jonathan A. Camuy Vega, 24 years old
45. Juan Pablo Rivera Velázquez, 37 years old
46. Luis Sergio Vielma, 22 years old
47. Franky Jimmy DeJesus Velázquez, 50 years old
48. Luis Daniel Wilson-Leon, 37 years old
49. Jerald Arthur Wright, 31 years old

One of my favorite things to do in New York City is to dance with my loved ones at LGBTQ+ nightclubs & bars. It is a place you do not have to “come out” in. I crave the insanely high levels of enthusiasm, support, & glitter often found in rainbow flag clad bars. I do not want to insert myself into a tragedy that I was not a part of, but I do want to recognize that for myself & likely other queer people, this was an especially egregious incident. Being attacked in the safest of spaces is unimaginable; those spots are where you meet friends, where you take your first date, where you explore your identity.

This point in time resonates not just with the national tragedy of Pulse, but a personal loss in my family. As Steph & I left Stonewall, I received a call from my mom that MY BELOVED GRANDFATHER had passed away with his wife & seven children surrounding him. I have written before about how important my family is to me. One of the main reasons I am putting these thoughts together is at that time – it was too much. Trying to make sense of Pulse was impossible, as my family was my main priority. This is a bit of what I remember from the days following that night.

I remember as I walked to work wearing my “SUPPORT LOVE” t-shirt that someone had drawn hearts & rainbows with chalk in the street. I took it as a sign from God & I tried to think about the drawings as opposed to the constant news coverage.

I remember how closely I held onto Steph’s hand that following sunny afternoon when we laid flowers on the ground for our community together. Flowers are a constant in my life – brightening spaces during celebrations & paying tribute during solemn moments.

I remember reading & re-reading THE HEARTBREAKING TEXT MESSAGE EXCHANGE between a young man at the club & his mother. Every time I think about this action, I know he did what I would have done. I would have desperately tried to reach out to my parents, who have always comforted me during tragedy & who have always fiercely protected me from danger.

I remember my thoughtful uncle, who pulled me aside specifically to ask me if I was ok, while my entire family was reeling from the loss of our Pop Pop.

I remember the friends who reached out to say in the most simple yet significant way, “You are loved.”

There is no celebration of Pride Month without recognition of attacks, past & present, that have harmed our community. To LGBTQ+ folks & allies alike – I read this week that we can honor those at Pulse with acts of love & kindness. One of the main ways I will be acting with love in this coming year is continuing to advocate for common sense gun reform. I seek solace in our collective determination to love, a deep love that fights every day for what is right.

Xx,

Erin

Photo via Russ Rowland